5 - Self evaluation

I’ve seen many people call their friends, parents, kids, relatives, neighbors, or politicians good guys.
I’ve heard some people say I’m a nice guy.

What exactly is a good person? What’s the definition of a nice guy?
What are his qualities, characteristics, activities?
How does he carry himself in the presence of others?
How does he behave when he’s alone? Far away from any prying eyes? Any criticizing minds?

I think tragedy provokes self evaluation.
A sincere human being will question himself and search for the truth in the event of his suffering.
Normally, whenever you see and meet people who are suffering from any kind of pain, they will most likely blame someone else for it.
People don’t want to accept responsibility for their own misery.

I lived a long time with the same state of mind.
Whenever something bad happened to me, I’d look for the first thing to put the blame on.
It wasn’t my own doing. It could never be; I was perfect. Whatever misfortunes occurred had to be someone else’s wrongdoing.
And then I got chickenpox. It was terrible. I had nothing to do all day and night. I lay in bed. Couldn’t even shower. Took my first shower after a week. Second after another week.
I questioned myself. What kind of sins must one have done to undergo such torture?

It’s easy to blame other people for your suffering.
Have a heartbreak? Blame your ex.
Slipped your tongue and revealed some secrets? Blame your drink.
No jobs? Blame technology.
Everything else - blame the President.
When Obama was POTUS, everything was his fault.
Now Trump’s the President. Everything is his fault.
And for all naturally occurring disasters, blame God.
Strange that the atheists who claim there is no God wouldn’t blink an eye at condemning the very person they claim not to exist the moment a natural disaster occurs.
Interesting that most of us only remember God when we’re suffering.

Over the course of time, I’ve met people who have been inspired by me.
They look up to me.
I’ve avoided close contact with them because I don’t want to be their role model.
I’m not perfect.
Yes, I’ve got a good knack for some things.
But I can see my faults. They can’t.
Or they won’t. Or they don’t want to.
Everyone has an idol. Someone that fits their expectations.
I’m not that guy. I don’t want to be that guy.
It’s a huge responsibility. And undertaking. One that no man or woman alive can pass.

Selective extrovert. That’s how I’d describe myself.
There are certain events when I’ll put myself out there. Be nice and friendly with everyone. Engage in small talk. Learn about them. Entertain them.
Then I’ll recluse myself.
There’s a time and place for everything.
Meet me at the temple and we’ll do kirtana together.
Meet me online and we may have a discussion about software.
Meet me on the streets and I’ll acknowledge you with a smile and nod.
I’m shy, I guess.
When I meet people I’m already evaluating their personalities, hobbies and interests. Chances are, we don’t match so I’ll never let you get that close to me.
That’s why I find it hard to make friends. If you want to do one thing and I want to do something else, we’re different. We’ll only hang out when our interests collide. You’ll only know me from the type of conversations we have then.
If you want the full picture, you’d have to spend a considerable amount of time with somebody and learn about them at all times.
There is no man without faults. Or vices. Get to know somebody and you’d rather spend your time on other things with other people.
I think that’s one of the reasons many marriages fail. When you’re dating a person, you only witness a portion of their character. Live with them, and you’ll realize you made a mistake.

I got a call from a brahmacari a few weeks ago. We’d talked a few times and he’d kept an eye on me.
He wanted me to go to another town and preach; give a small lecture there. And that’d eventually progress into a regular programme.
I turned him down.
I’m sorry. I understand what his intentions were. I can see why he’d bring the proposal to me.
There are many intelligent boys who’ve joined the Hare Krsna movement, read the scriptures, began to preach to others, and gained a massive following.
I can’t do that.
B.G. states that what a learned man does, the common men will follow.
I’m not learned. I’m not intelligent.
I’m foolish. I’m a fool.
I’ve made mistakes. I’ve sinned. I’ve hurt other living beings. I even ran over a poor little squirrel yesterday! It could have lived a beautiful long life. It could have had a pretty little squirrel wife and cute little squirrel babies. And I took it away from him.
I’ve killed thousands of ants.
I’ve whacked cockroaches with my shoe and plastered them into mere pus.
There’s no bigger sin than taking another living being’s life.
And I’ve done it millions of times. I’m doing it right now as I breathe. Tiny germs in the air enter my little hairy nostril and die of the sudden warmth. They’re instantly vaporized as I type out this article.
How do I repent for these sins?
Make a mistake once, you’re forgiven. Repeat them and you’re punished. I’m inhaling and exhaling. Each breathe kills a few microgerms. Why should I be forgiven?

I’m sorry I got carried away.
When you preach to someone, you represent the Hare Krsna movement. Or Christianity. Whatever you prefer.
That’s a huge responsibility. You have to be of spotless character, Your words should reflect your actions. If you forbid gambling, you shouldn’t be cheating others. If you forbid illicit sex, you shouldn’t be eyeing other women yourself.
According to the scriptures, if you simply have the desire to enjoy with another woman in your mind, it’s illicit sex.
Now show me a man who hasn’t ever desired a beautiful woman he once met.

I do not represent any religion.
I read the Holy Bible before I read the Bhagavad Gita As It Is.
I learned Christian hymns and songs before I learned the Gaura aarti.
I believed in Jesus Christ before I believed in Sri Sri Radha and Krsna.
I’ve refrained from preaching religion.
As George Carlin said, “Keep thy religion to thyself!”
I do that very well.
I won’t ask you to join the Hare Krsnas or read the Bible.
From the religious point of view, this is very selfish. The saints consider it to be their duty to mercifully help others discover true knowledge. But the average joes feel bothered and troubled by these crazy Harry Krishna fanatics and Jehovah Witnesses.

I posted on /r/amiugly last year. The picture was taken late in the evening. I was feeling beat up and tired. And bored.
Everyone agreed I looked ugly.
Not a single person even gave me an average looking rate.
I guess I’m just a really ugly human being, inside and out.
What is beauty?
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
I think chubby girls can be beautiful too. But for most people these days, unless you’re a tall petite model, you’re ugly.
Beauty is skin deep.
What you see as beautiful is just the skin. If a surgeon opened up the few thousand square inches of skin on our bodies, we’d be so repulsive, people would puke and faint just from our sight.
Beauty is an illusion.
Everyone who falls in love thinks their partners are the most beautiful beings in the world.
If it’s a premarital relationship, that illusion will be broken in a few months.
After marriage, two weeks maximum. You’ll be bored or fed up with this beauty.
If you want a long term relationship, there has to be a personality, charm and charisma behind that beauty.

Have you ever wondered what beautiful people’s breath smells like?
People’s breath smells like the food that they eat. Only a tad bit worse.
If a beautiful model had sushi, octopus and fish for lunch, I wouldn’t even go near her mouth.
Next time you think of kissing some beauty on the lips, think of what kind of food she consumes.
When you really think of it, behind the makeup and skin surface, people are simply hideous and repulsive.

Happiness is being satisfied with who you are and what you have.
A lot of women these days enhance their bodies surgically to conform with the advertised beauty standards by the media.
I’m ugly. I’ve accepted it.
I don’t own a lot of things. A pair of shoes, sandals, a bunch of clothes, my cheap gadgets, that about it.
I don’t have a job. I’m unemployed.
I’m still more satisfied than the rich moguls who live in mansions with a dozen cars and beautiful wives and mistresses.
The key to satisfaction is the realization that no matter how much stuff you own, your desire for more will never vanquish.
Rather than waste my entire life working like a donkey and buying more unnecessary utilities, I’d rather be content with my humble belongings.

Lust is an eternal fire. No matter how much you feed it, it will never be vanquished.
According to the scriptures, the definition of lust isn’t narrowed down to the sexual attraction alone, but also the desire for more wealth, power, fame, etc.
No matter how many times you have sex, you will never be satisfied. The more sexual activity you engage in, the more lusty desires you will have.
Lust possesses all living beings like a madness. You become mad. Your intelligence is blinded. You engage in activities that you normally wouldn’t do.
Married men and women have abandoned their families and children under the influence of lust. It’s no joke. People can commit the worst crimes under it’s influence.
You can apply the same logic to lust with regards to power, fame, wealth etc.
When Maharaja Parikshit was ruling the world at the end of Dwapara Yuga, he confronted Kali Yuga and gave him permission to reside in gold etc.
You may have read in the news about people murdered by robbers who wanted to steal their jewellery.
Therefore too much attachment to money isn’t healthy.
A man’s greed for money can cause him to kill others without remorse.
Similarly, power. Politicians in most countries today have had a hand in someone’s death unofficially. In oppressive countries, this has been proven fact by the news media.

To control lust, you must abstain from all the elements that contribute to it’s growth.
That means no sex unless it’s for reproduction, abstain from watching porn for obvious reasons, stop trying to accumulate wealth, or controlling other people, or trying to be famous.
Even celebrities have their dark tales, and some will go to any lengths to protect their fame.
But if you weren’t trying to be famous for starters, you wouldn’t have that problem.
Nobody cares about irrelevant average joe and his faults.

There are two types of people in this universe; liberated souls and those who have some percentage of lust within their hearts.
If I was a liberated soul, I wouldn’t be sitting here being tormented by the freezing cold winds.
The goal is to be a liberated soul. Whether it’s in this life or the next.
For that, I have a quadrillion miles of progress to make.
Sad.