13-01-2018

Today is Ekadashi.
I’m fasting from grains etc.

Bowl of dates for breakfast, potatoes for lunch. It’s evening now.
I’m angry.
I’m not happy that I’m angry.
I want to be calm. Like I usually am.
Running on an empty stomach irritates me.

I become nitpicky when I’m angry.
If I get into an argument, I’ll bring up your tiniest mistakes from 50 years ago and bash you incessantly until I feel I’ve crushed you.

That’s wrong.

I have neighbors that I’ve never spoken to.
I’m a generally quiet person. I like the peace and quiet.
I don’t like arguments. They’re pointless. Waste of time.
The first thing I think of when I meet anyone is what their bad qualities are.
I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to find out what an asshole you are.
That keeps me from becoming friends with everyone.

The kids behind us played some loud music.
And it triggered my anger.
I want to jump over to their building and ninja kick them unconscious.
Take a baseball bat and smash their stupid speakers to bits.
Grab ’em by their tiny little necks and say LISTEN HERE YOU PIECE OF SHITS! IF YOU EVER PLAY LOUD MUSIC AGAIN, I’M GOING TO TAKE THIS BAT AND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR FUCKING ASSES, YOU’LL WALK WITH A TOILET BOWL ATTACHED TO YOUR WAIST FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIVES.

But that’s not a good thing to do.
I have to be nice.
I do want to be nice.

In my mind, I feel like if I had a girlfriend, this would be an appropriate time for her to step in and calm me down.
Where does this root from? Loneliness? Being needy?
I’ll get to the bottom of it.

I live my life by avoiding inconvenience to others. I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes.
I think those around me should try doing the same.
Let them start by not playing loud shitty music at anytime.
Music is like religion. Keep thy music to thyself. Nobody wants to listen to your shitty music. Nobody cares about the cool songs in your spotify. They’re everywhere on the trending page BITCH! You think you’re cool?
I always use my headphones.
And I don’t ask anyone to listen to my music. They can listen if they want to. It’s OPTIONAL.

This was not a good day for me.
Been cloudy all day.
Cloudy days are depressing. I hate these stupid fucking clouds. Where are they all summer , when I need them?

See? Now I’m even more angry.
Just thinking about all this bullshit makes me even angrier.
It’s not therapeutic to talk about it.

I need to calm down.