24-01-2018

Went to temple on Sunday.
That was 21st Jan.
Had the opportunity to participate in the kirtana.
Played mrdanga during Guru Puja.
And had the good luck to be joined by another devotee who lives far away. He came for the festival. He’s initiated. Younger than me, but far advanced spiritually.

Stayed at the temple until lunch time then went home.
The hall was crowded. So many people.
I don’t usually eat at the temple during festivals because of the crowds.
It’s too noisy and, after spending some time in isolation, I’ve come to prefer being alone.
I was exhausted.

Went to the temple on Monday. Appearance of Sri Pundarika Vidyanidhi, Sri Raghunandana Thakura, Srila Raghunatha Dasa Gosvami, and Srimati Visnupriya Devi. Disappearance of Srila Visvanatha Cakravati Thakura. Sarasvati Puja and Vasanta Pancami; the first day of spring in Northern India. The rest of the world will see spring in a few weeks/months. It’s still cold here. 18 degrees right now.
Did some beautiful kirtana.
One nice devotee gave me some maha milk prasadam.

Went to the temple yesterday.
Didn’t do much kirtana because there wasn’t anyone else to sit with me.
I need two people for kirtana. So I can play mrdanga and another person can play karatalas. Either of us can lead kirtana, I’m good both ways.
A kind brahmacari gave me a glass of maha milk, some rice, pakora, and sabji prasadam. It was very nice of him. I had nothing to eat for dinner. The plan was to make some sandwiches when I got back. But it didn’t come to that.

Went to the temple today.
Kirtana, class, prasadam.
They’re going to a Hare Krsna farm. Cool.
I’m not because it’s too far away and I hate traveling by road. It’s exhausting. Not my kind of thing.
I’ve been invited before and I declined for the same reasons.

I don’t like this place.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s a nice place sometimes. The winter’s cool. Food is okay. And people for the most part are okay too, since I don’t interact much with the locals.
At this point, I feel like a local too because of the time spent here.
But I’ve remained isolated. It’s intentional. I don’t fit in. I can’t fit in. I don’t want to try and fit in.
I want to get out of here.

Life can get boring and depressing.
I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to bounce but none so far.
I tried to find a way out via acquaintances and contacts. Nothing.
I don’t like asking for help. I’ve been pretty self sufficient in my ways. I don’t like to burden others to assist me. They have their own lives, and problems. Why would they care to help me out?

I’ve shut myself out from the rest of the world.
I don’t call anyone. Never text them. Never email them. Don’t have an account on their social media platforms.
When anyone asks me how I’m doing, I’m alright.
I’m okay. Life is peaceful. Boring, but peaceful.

Have been trying to make some progress spiritually. Of course a moron like me will never make it to heaven. But, I can at least try to be a good human being.

Going to the temple keeps my mind active. It’s satisfying. View the beautiful dieties, do harinama sankirtana. Get some prasadam, maybe? Sometimes. If I’m lucky. The Lord does take care of his servants.

I’ve been experimenting with new tunes for kirtana. Tested three sets so far. Maybe one day I’ll be able to sing and play at the kirtana melas like Jahnavi Devi Dasi and Madhava Prabhu around the world.

I’m thankful to the Lord for what I have. It’s not much. But it could be worse.
I’ve learned to be satisfied with whatever little I have.
I used to be very ambitious. Until my plans failed. Then I decided not to worry too much about success.
You fail several times, maybe fate has other plans for you. Don’t try too hard for material success. Keep an eye on the spiritual side. That’ll make a difference on your death bed.

Okay.
Good night.